Noncompliant Light and Time
I had been fumbling and stumbling in the living room for a few nights, ever since my big, beautiful antique table lamp, relied upon for reading and writing, powered by a convenient 3-way switch, had stopped working. I love this lamp. It was made by the same company which produced my collectible pottery from the 1920’s. An electrician had been installing a new ceiling fan in the house, so of course the electricity elsewhere was messed up. Tried changing the bulb, fiddled with the 3-way switches. No light. Figured I would have to find a place to fix my precious old lamp on an even more precious Saturday morning. So much to get done, so little time.
It was a half hour drive to the lamp hospital (their words). The website told me municipal parking was available right next door. But when finally there I encountered a parking lot with cones blocking the entrance; it was being used as outdoor dining during the pandemic. The only other parking within miles was metered on the street, requiring parallel parking - a maneuver I have never executed successfully, especially when traffic on a busy street must stop and wait for my futile attempts, while drivers simultaneously honk their horns and flip the bird at me. Just not going to happen. But luckily, the last space on the street, blocks away, was unoccupied and I could just pull right in - my kind of parking. My only kind of parking.
Passing my driver’s license test years ago had been problematic. My family’s car was big and long and when it came time to parallel park I told the inspector that it couldn’t possibly fit in the space provided. Not what they like to hear. “You could park a mack truck in that space, sweetheart”, he sneered. Not what I wanted to hear. Although honestly, I could have been driving a clown car and still failed. Luckily, a driver's license could be awarded without actually mastering the onerous parallel parking maneuver. The only problem is that you spend a lifetime searching for pull-in parking spaces or, as I am wont to do, turn around and go home. (But not with a three-point turn, because I’m not great with those either).
I grabbed my purse and searched feverishly for some coins. One quarter! Score! Tried to put the coin into the meter slot but one was already in it, jammed. The readout said “Fail”. Was it okay to leave my car there? Decided to gamble, even though I am a very strict rule-follower and have difficulty doing otherwise. Plus trying to explain to a parking enforcement officer that I had to take that illegal spot because of an inability to parallel park might not go well. Opened the passenger side door to gently lift out the lamp, when suddenly all the windows went down at once. What the heck? Okay, fumbled with the keys, nothing changed. Picked up the lamp, not as gently, went around the car to the driver’s side, practically in traffic, opened the door a few inches, squeezed in while struggling with the lamp, turned the car on and raised the windows. Got out of the car again, went around to the sidewalk and don’t you know, the windows went down again! Ay yi yi! Now I was ticked off. Put the lamp down on the sidewalk (hoping someone might take it at this point), went around to the driver side again, turned the car on, raised the windows and went back to my cursed lamp. No, I haven’t read the car manual from front to back to understand this ridiculous feature of all windows randomly going down at the same time.
Walked 3 blocks to the store. Tripped and almost fell but unfortunately the lamp was safe. Went inside and was accosted by a very stern looking employee who appeared suspicious of my reason for being there. If this was the lamp hospital shouldn’t she be the nurturing nurse? Nervously explained through my double masks that I thought the whole lamp might require rewiring. Like I was standing in front of a firing squad stating my last words. She barked at me to put the lamp down on a table at the far side of the store and then to stand back! She plugged it in and put in an old looking bulb. Pulled the chain. The lamp went on. What? Are you kidding me?? Embarrassed, I tried to explain about my 3-way switches that often get messed up when someone new is in the house. She looked at me like I felt - Idiot. I sheepishly, and with no eye contact, thanked her, picked up the damn lamp and slunk out of the store, which is not easy to do with a big friggin’ table lamp in your arms.
Three blocks back to the car. The windows were all down. Didn’t care. Practically threw the lamp in the back seat. Half hour drive back home. Talked sternly to the lamp, fooled around with the two separate wall switches, taking up even more precious time. If this one is up, that one has to be down. If this one is down, that one is up. Tried to remember which outlet - up or down - was the 3-way one. And then finally, after many futile combinations were tried - finally! There was light!
I’d love to say something was accomplished that Saturday morning, but really...there always was light, wasn’t there?? Another sojourn on the hamster wheel. Can I have the morning back, please???
Have you experienced wasted mornings like this? Please share! And if you can parallel park (on par with being able to execute ice skating’s triple-axel) you have earned my undying admiration.